Bi-curious: What is it? Explained by a Sex Coach
Liza Moroz, journalist and sex coach, talks about accepting her bisexuality and explains what bi-curiosity means and why the term is not as innocent as it may seem at first glance.
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Iāve always liked girls. I once even fell for one, or at least, was attracted to her. I have zero sexual experience with women, nor have I ever been in a relationship with one, so for the longest time, I refused to identify as bisexual out of fear. Firstly, I felt like by making such a big statement I would label myself. Secondly, I thought to myself: how do I know Iām bisexual if I havenāt been with women? For these reasons, I used to identify as bi-curious.
My friend Alexeyās story is somewhat similar to mine. Before we had this conversation, he had no clue about the term ābi-curiousā.
āIāve always liked to experiment. For most of my friends, same-sex encounters are strictly taboo, and for me theyāre an opportunity to explore and expand my pleasure. Iāve never been in a relationship with a man, and Iām yet to meet a man that would have mutual feelings someday in the future. For now, Iām just going with the flow and saying yes to new experiences. Or initiate them myself, if I really like the person.
I remember my first same-sex experience ā I was simply curious how it would feel to kiss a guy. A friend of mine was actively making moves and showing interest, so I kissed him. I wouldnāt say I necessarily enjoyed it ā it was rather something new and exciting that turned me on. Plus, it was a public kiss, and I have a kink of getting intimate in public.Ā
Then there was a time my girlfriend and I had a threesome with a random guy we met at the club. He went down on me and it was amazing. The coolest thing about it was discussing him with my girlfriend afterward, as we were both impressed by the beauty of it.ā
PURE DATING ā AT THE SPEED OF DESIRE!
Alexey, unlike me, isnāt rushing to put a label on himself. He prefers to stay out of identifying as anything specific, be that bisexual, bi-curious, or hetero. The important factor for Alexey is oneās personality, not their genitals or identity. And I totally agree with his point of view.Ā
Yet I canāt help thinking about how this position may make people uncomfortable. I remember meeting girls on dating apps and asking them to tell me what itās like to be with women, which was quite strange. I personally wouldnāt want to be an āexperimentā for someone who explores their bisexuality.
My friend Nika, who identifies as bisexual, would also be upset to find out that sheās just someoneās āexperimentation toolā. But there was a time when she identified as bi-curious, too.
āI questioned my sexuality while in a relationship with a guy. I was telling him Iām attracted to women, but he wouldnāt take my words seriously. I almost got convinced that as long as I havenāt dated a woman or slept with one, I canāt know for sure. Thereās still a thriving stereotype in our society: if youāre a woman dating a man, youāre heterosexual. If youāre a woman dating another woman, youāre gay. No exceptions.
When I searched through articles on bi-curiosity, I felt relieved. I realized that thereās an actual term for us! So, as soon as my relationship with my now ex-boyfriend came to an end (and my denial of my identity was partly due to him), I started dating and exploring my bisexualityā
Nika admits that although identifying as bi-curious was a mindful and not malicious choice, she soon realized that the term itself isnāt as innocent as it may seem. Thereās a big dispute against it happening in the LGBTQ community: some think itās best to avoid the term altogether because it increases biphobia.
Biphobia is defined as discrimination against bisexual people. It comes from both sides: heterosexual-identifying and gay-identifying individuals
Anything from ācome on, just pick one alreadyā, ābisexuals are so lucky ā your options are endless!ā to āthis is just a transition stage for youā is included. It seems as if when Iām saying Iām bi-curious, Iām reinforcing stereotypes that bisexuality equals indecisiveness.
And that would be true. No one says, āIām hetero-curiousā, right? Heterosexuality is never questioned in the first place. Plus, many people feel as if they have to prove they are āactually bisexualā to others. And the term ābi-curiousā makes it seem as if bisexuality has to be proved by experience, romantic or sexual.
Another opinion regarding bi-curiosity is more lighthearted. Itās that, firstly, no one has to identify as anything. Even if someone pushes us to do so, we can politely tell them to back off, because sexuality is not anyoneās else business. Secondly, if you really want to label your sexuality, do it your way. From āIām bi-curiousā or āitās complicatedā to ācurrently walking through the Kinsey scale and exploring my preferences with excitement and prideā. And of course, you can simply identify as bisexual right away if you feel like it.
So, how do we explore ethically?
Alexey thinks that the only rule should be making yourself clear to the person youāre talking to before you have an encounter, and this applies to all genders and sexual preferences. Nika says itās best to keep it straightforward and be honest about your intentions so that you donāt accidentally lead your date on.
If you just want to know how everything works in practice, find someone whose intentions match yours. Donāt expect every non-heterosexual identifying person to agree being your guide or teacher for experimentation, however.Ā
The worst thing you can do is say to someone āI kind of want to try with girls, and since youāre gay, maybe youād be up for it?ā. The best thing you can do is find someone on Pure, where you can be honest from the get-go and let people know exactly what youāre currently looking for. Bonus points if youāre willing to go out of your way to learn about bisexuality and the bisexual community in general - doing your research is always appreciated.
