How to Leave the Chat Smoothly: 3 Efficient Tips

Shame and guilt: why does it come from childhood Trauma?

So, you’re on Pure chatting with a match of yours. You exchange photos and they send something that isn’t quite what you expected. Either they’re not your type, don’t look like their ad photos, or you’re feeling weird about something they did or said. So, the match gone wrong. Another scenario: they send you nudes unprompted — and you’re just not okay with that. Now the moment of embarrassment is upon you — you’d like to say goodbye to your companion and explore other options. How do you end the chat on a dating app correctly without hurting their feelings? Take a deep breath and just do it? Well, that’s an option, indeed, but the context here is not so black-and-white. Let’s take a closer look. Why is it so hard for some of us to say no? Why is it easier to clench your fist and pull a ghost instead of telling the person upfront why you would like to part ways? What do you do with the bitter aftertaste of your actions? And what about when you’re on the receiving end of this situation? Doesn’t feel that nice, no one likes to be rejected. No wonder — there’s a slight feeling of emptiness where communication and honesty were supposed to take place.

PURE DATING — HERE, NOW WITH NO SHAME!

Go!

Nearly always, our trauma comes from our childhood. (You knew I’d say this — I’m a psychologist, after all).

What is a child supposed to be like to get approval and praise from their parents and society at large? Exactly: obedient and agreeable. Many of us were raised with the notion that a child is supposed to be grateful by default simply for being born (this kind of gratitude is questionable, but that’s for another day), and that as long as our parents are taking care of us: feeding us, providing with education, tolerating our temper tantrums (which are normal for children, by the way, but can be unbearable for the parent) then we must repay them by being good.

For this unbearable behavior, the heavy cross of parenthood, and often the very fact of our birth, we don’t just start to feel gratitude — we start to feel guilt, responsibility, and shame. We internalize responsibility for the anger of our caregivers and all the feelings we may cause them in general. And then transfer these feelings to our adulthood.

We feel it’s necessary to be convenient for the parents and not bother them because it’s difficult enough to raise us. In particular, it is very difficult for the parent to face the unpredictability, immaturity, and development of a child. Therefore we start to feel as if it’s necessary to interfere with our parents as little as possible, starting from a very young age, so we turn to self-control and self-regulation instead.

We also feel the pressure to live up to other people’s expectations — behave in a way our parents feel appropriate, even if it’s hurting us (because expectations come first). But trying to please everyone, we often end up pleasing no one. We try to be perfect by our parent’s criteria — because the imperfections of our character and development as children lead to punishment, losing our parent’s love and approval, and sometimes even manipulation tactics such as silent treatment.

And this pattern of being “convenient” lingers, and later finds its way into every area of our lives and into each situation where we might feel like we’re doing something wrong. Doesn’t matter that you’re an adult now and no longer in a parent-child dynamic — the trigger here is your feelings that used to be forbidden, not the event. What do you do in this case? Well, in a perfect world you would reach out to a therapist and learn new tools for regulating those difficult emotions. You need to talk to your inner child. But that’s not always an option.